Awakening My Inner Self

Last night as I laid in bed I rested my hands on my belly as I dropped in, felt a little ball of light like an egg form and drop in my sacral chakra. It’s a beautiful little egg of self-love that will grow and blossom as I rest with it.

Part of me supposes that perhaps this may be one of those kundalini initiations where an energy wave moves from root to crown one chakra at a time and hangs out till its finished in each one. My first month in Hawaii was a major imitation of the root chakra. Many say that the islands of Hawaii are a chakra system in themselves, the big island being the root itself… Whatever is happening, my root went through it.

For a month I’ve been through states of panic of varying intensities. Sometimes the fear was artificial, all mind stuff. Sometimes the fear was very real and a direct result of pretty damn intense shit going down.

After maybe a week in my little room on the hillside “pink hotel,” panic is finally over. It took so many waves of pain and total surrender to get there. Now the next steps begin, and I wonder what they may look like.

I hope that this doesn’t mean I have to spend 7 months in Hawaii, one for every chakra clearing each level. Though fully and totally… the sacral center is what needs to develop in me more than all else.

The darkest moments are the best teachers of self-love. If we can love “the worst” in ourselves, we can love all of ourselves. There’s no light without shadow and no shadow without life. I was going to write “I’m so in love with the amazing being I am.” To say that is trying too hard. This is about being real. I love myself more and more each day, and as I see clearly why I am as I am and how that creates my experience, I love myself even more.

My inner child learned to turn his sacral chakra into an antenna where he could download what other people wanted. My child-self learned to simply become who the people around him wanted him to be, and that was the only way he’s receive love.

I’m sure some members of my family will read this… and I will continue to be as blatantly harsh about how ridiculous my upbringing was, because that’s the only thing that’s going to bring the collective to end these absolutely ridiculous patterns we have inherited. Sorry not sorry. It’s an act of love.

My mother went so far as to create a terrifying alternate persona called “mean mommie” she would channel whenever I didn’t want to do what she wanted. My father would guilt and shame me whenever I genuinely did not want to be with him or give him my attention. I became a fear-based people pleaser. Who I was was not allowed or accepted by my entire family and cultural reality. I was a little gay human with a soul from an entire different star-system. This world never made sense to me. I know plenty of people who “had it worse” and lost even more of themselves. Even though I was forced into becoming someone I wasn’t, I still didn’t fit in. My weird was so weird that people still felt it, so by the time I was older I simply isolated.

I’m becoming more and more aware of how I change myself to match others. To some degree to chameleon oneself can be a wonderful tool in creating desired realities. Yet when done unconsciously or from a lack-based mind set it’s a train set in the direction of total self-sabotage.

I want a lover so desperately, I’ll become anyone in order to get “him.” Whoever he is. There’s a wonderful fantasy movie playing in my mind that’s taking auditions, if you want to sign up and see if you can play the role.

In my last relationship I was on the other side of the fantasy, and experienced how painful that overlay of realities really is in a way that is actually still affecting me today. My ex seemed like a free gift from the Universe that fell into my lap. He showed up and said that before I contacted him he sent out a letter to the moon requesting a lover and we’re born on the exact same day so it was all set up and meant to be. In 5 minutes the game was on. He was in love. I had been moping around, feeling overworked and annoyed that there’s just no gay dudes in this shiny woo woo hippie town. I gave it a go and just allowed him to enter my life fully and quickly, thinking I’ll just make the best of a total mess because the total mess really loves me and feels all right to sleep with.

In allowing in a total mess, I became one. If I really loved myself, I would have just ripped off the band-aid and tossed him out before he became a violent total mess. Instead I just allowed my own desires and inner being change to match what was happening, and it destroyed me.

I pause for a moment to question if I ever really loved him, and I decide that I did not love him. I was as much in a fantasy as he was. It was just a fantasy that I’d escape and have someone else. He didn’t love me either. He loved the fantasy he was playing out, a fantasy that ran parallel to what was actually happening without really intersecting.

I’m learning great lessons and they’re coming very quick. The self-love I need to have relationships that make sense is tingling in my belly as I write.

The creative juices to be who I am and want what I want are flowing. Nothing held back anymore, I’d love to be all of me. On a mental level I don’t care if people will like it or not. On an emotional level I’ll probably still be affected though I’m ready and willing to go through it.

I don’t really follow “Human Design” closely though I know I’m a “generator” with a “sacral authority.” And I feel that says a lot; it says I’ve literally given my authority away to other people in order to survive.

The truth is this world doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t know how to relate to it. The plants and the ocean and the rocks sure are pretty. Yet human behavior and the structure of this world I find very baffling. I know I’m not alone in that. Yet the further in my journey I go the less any of it makes sense.

I’m not here to get the old world and to express how much it bewilders me is part of my awakening magic. As a child I wanted to scream and cry because who I was and what I wanted were not acceptable. My soul really didn’t understand the concept of eating meat. I perceived it as violence. I tried to raise my voice and I was told shut up and eat it.

Shut up and eat this? I don’t know if that’s the right approach. Think critically, feel fully, and raise your own voice. Though I’m creating a new world, and if I have to rip some things open and heal some things with a razor-sharp tongue to get there, I’ll do it with a smile. I do not wish to shame anyone the same way I felt shamed into being a fake me. Yet there’s a harshness to this reality that aught not be down-played, and I hope all may see it clearly.

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