According to an old numerological tradition every 9 years you change to a new Tarot card that rules that period of your life. At 27 I have moved from “Temperance” to “Judgment.” I move from always favoring balance and harmony to choosing super clear and honest perception and discernment. What a sweet new gift, I’m sure it will take 9 more years to unwrap it fully too.
Last year there was a series of different sorts of abusive relationships in my life that have brought to me one of the hugest lessons I’ve had to learn.
I couldn’t learn these lessons at the time because these circumstances were followed by me moving to a volcanic island that then erupted and for many months “moving forward” was the only thing I could focus upon while remaining sane and balanced.
The trauma of these events has resurfaced in Peru now that I’m in genuine quiet and peace. It’s not so bad that I had to “save the process” for later because it was the only way I could then survive…
And that’s because I was so very stubborn.
Each situation had its own unique lessons that I’m sure will also unravel though the universal lesson that applies to every challenge I’ve created for myself in the past year is this: discernment.
What I still have not figured out is where does the false idea behind it really come from, for me?
So many in the field of spirituality and especially the New Age follow some sort of philosophy of totally open and free love; it’s better to be kind, to give, to share, to be open to all!
This is based on understanding in a deep and clear way that it is in expanding love within and without that we will change the world.
Though what does this love really look like?
It is the love INSIDE YOU. It is your own love for yourself. It is your own ability to be true to yourself. It’s the ease with which you choose what is truly best for you regardless of how “those you love” will perceive you for it.
This integration has not been so easy for me though I feel like I’m over the hill.
The biggest challenges have been in allowing for the “loss” of this perceived version of myself that is totally open, totally generous, totally there for people.
As I allow this shift in my circuitry, no I don’t really want to reply to 80% of the messages coming in. From a distorted lens this would be isolation. Though in truth it is finding love within.
My experience with people in the last year had caused me to understand people deeper. They have so many mixed motivations and many of them are mentally diseased and narcissistic. Not all people share the same sense of justice and fairness. Not all people will choose to be accountable for their actions. Honestly people are crazy. And in the spiritual world, the “crazies” are so much worse.
Even those closest to me who I genuinely trust enough to share the deeper unfolding of my process fully, I have to watch. I have to monitor. The new version of myself is ever observant of what is shifting in the vibrations of those around me, and knowing how to act accordingly in each moment.
The old version of me would dive in with blind enthusiasm and trust that if I give what I can others will do the same. In situations where others were at the same level diving in with that trust has created some of the greatest moments ever. And when I ignored my own core/gut/sacral response to another person’s vibration and attitude and just trusted if I remain generous they will return it, I’ve really got hit harder, and harder, and harder.
The old version of me would allow and pretend that things that hurt are excusable and let people get away with it. The old version of me would get hung up on the story that I am “judging others” and shouldn’t be the bad one judging. The old version of me would dissolve into a false forgiveness just because that is what a good spiritual person does and it’s the quickest way to maintain the illusion of peace.
And now I know that “love” that is an energy between people is not real until it is based in real self-love. The same with forgiveness. You cannot forgive outside until you truly forgive inside. And therefore dropping all focus on outer forgiveness and instead focusing on one’s own healing and self-love is the only thing to do.
The new version of me is reading everyone’s energy in every moment and on the lookout. I know what I need. I know what is loving for myself. The new version trusts people but not in the same way the old version of me trusted people, though I now trust the Universe and trusts myself. The new version of me is not afraid to be a mirror. I am not afraid to send right back to someone the awful vibes they sent to me, even if they didn’t mean to. That’s the way they will learn and process their own karma. The new version of me doesn’t really feel like he will attract that anyway, because instead he’s choosing to pay attention to every little nuance and detail and fully perceive it. And fully judge it.
And here perhaps is a great key. We are all told regardless of our conditioning to not judge other people. Yet herein lies the biggest problem, because there’s not really a big difference between judgment and discernment. We learn we must have discernment and make good decisions, yet we are told we should “fix” the part of ourselves that sees wrong in others. Connotations with both of these words has us all mixed up; what is the difference?
I believe that instead of saying “judgement is bad” is actually exactly the same reason we have moved away from this term and favor discernment. Judgement to some implies that it is a fear-based assesment. Yet judgement for others means something else… Judgement itself is part of the Tarot. It didn’t always mean this divisive thing. I believe we should stop making a distinction between these terms and instead recognize the degrees of fear-based and distorted ways that our judgement becomes something negative while simply recognizing this self-protective/loving mechanism within judgement is there to help us. We just have to move beyond the polarity.
When you understand there’s no such thing as good or bad people, only good or bad actions, the game changes a bit.
Judging someone is different from condemning them. You can perceive that another person is a certain way and choose to engage in a different way or not engage at all and that says more about YOU and YOUR PREFERENCES. It is an act of self-love.
A friend of mine engaged an old homeless lady in LA and we spoke for a couple of minutes. Then she tried to grope him. Yes, we are all One. We are all One at a HIGHER LEVEL we do not live within as humans. It’s natural and good to help people, except when it’s unnatural. Why do we learn to abandon our own gut feeling out of being “nice” and “non-judgmental”?
My conclusion here: I’m going to judge you.
I’m going to judge you not to make you wrong or less than myself, but out of a greater Universal love that expresses itself in this dimension through self-love.
Loving myself means I have very specific preferences of the kinds of connections and vibrations I want in my life. Loving myself means making a separation in 3-4D space-time between me and those energies I do not want. For the first time ever I am “breaking up with friends.”
And these are people at a great distance; it’s a bit of a delayed reaction though nonetheless cutting these chords allows my energy to return. I don’t want people in my life whose values and priorities do not match my own.
A lot of what’s happening for me has not made so much sense because it’s been such a delayed reaction. About 10 months ago it was so hard for me to stand for myself and use my discernment without feeling “bad” about it that I had to completely put all my feelings away and pretend it was ok, when it wasn’t. And now that I am really learning this lesson and seeing the way I could have honored my initial inner responses instead of trying to find a reality in between where I could meet and not offend others, I am firing back. I’m returning to them their own nastiness and standing up for myself. Yet such a delayed reaction… doesn’t really make sense and I can’t do so much, though I’m finding what I really can do and doing it.
Now, however, is really time to let things go. Like I said, I learned the hard way because I stubbornly clung to my adopted idea of “free love.” And I express this to release myself and hope others don’t have to learn the same way.
Be discerning and stand for yourself.
Abusive and narcissistic people are truly suffering in deep ways. “Hurt people hurt people.” Senstive people can feel that and because of it, want to be compassionate and merciful. Yet this is actually just the seed of self-sacrifice.
Again; there’s no love without clear and complete self love. There’s no compassion without clear and complete self-compassion. We may want to help others who suffer though if we are not honoring what we can truly hold space for in our lives and what we truly prefer in our lives, we will only create more pain.
Do not fear your judgment. Use it as your greatest gift. It’s not about others. “There are no others.” It’s about you. Yes many times our own filters get in the way and we misread others. Yet it’s better to take it slow than to just let someone in. Once they’re in, it’s much harder to push them back out.
Judgment is a card in the Tarot, even. This is a Divine sort of judgment;.. As Source sees us all so very clearly. When the light is bright it shows into all the shadows and you see in all the good and the bad.
And true love also stares right down into the darkest shadows, and it brings light there. To beliefs living in the shadows forever, that love is blinding and can feel scary. Love in this sense is not passive. It is an active infiltration into the dark to shine and shake what is heavy loose.
If someone can’t deal with the darkness they see when you truly shine the light of your own TRUTH, at a certain point in the journey you probably shouldn’t hang out with them too much… That’s where I’m at.