I have been deepening my understanding of inner child work and reclaiming wholeness recently.
Watch the full video here: https://youtu.be/IE_lPf-0TSk
Throughout my life moral dilemmas and struggles of self-concept have been common. I would question my actions or very subtle ways that I have done things and examine them to make sure I was being “good”. This is really an outgrowth of how much shame was used to influence behavior in school and in family life. Of course in doing inner child work, many of these memories would surface and those aspects of my inner child would integrate for healing.
There was one aspect that was hidden for a while and I speak about it in this video.
The hidden aspect was involved in a memory in which I cheated in an “easter egg hunt” that did not involve real eggs. Instead we copied down numbers from paper eggs that were hidden in the classroom and whoever filled the sheet up first won. I really wanted to win the Pikachu prize. We were warned harshly not to cheat, and I was always one of the good boys. But I wanted Pikachu enough to cheat…
And when I was one of the first children to win, I instantly hit a wall of shame. I didn’t want Pikachu anymore. I confessed and my teacher took back the prize and ignored me while the other children tried to console me. I wept with my head on the cold desk, until someone tried to give me their toy.
I didn’t have a clear memory if I took the toy, but I didn’t want it. If I did take it, I felt it add to my shame more than bring me joy. Looking back at this memory there was so much emotional weight attached to it, and so many definitions about “good and bad” that did not add to my happiness.
When I did the inner child work process, my child was so happy to see me. Right away, Archangel Michael came through and created a space of great compassion. Soon I was surrounded by angels. Teal Swan, who is one of my main teachers of inner child work, came to take my teacher to the side and lecture her about not neglecting children as punishment and installing these weird moral codes. My child self wanted love from all the other children who were very impressed by me, and I shared them so much of what I’ve learned in traveling the world and doing spiritual work.
My child self wanted a reality which was a win situation for all involved, so I gave him that and had a great celebration with the children. My child self wanted to go around the world and to many interesting astral planes for learning. He wanted to go up to meet “God” and he even wanted to meet “Satan” as he’d learned so much about them both and lived in such a duality of how some things were so bad and others good. The angels surrounded us the whole experience and my child self learned about balance and bringing equal expression to the good as well as the bad.
I’ve been doing a lot of inner child processes over the years. I found I got to a point where I don’t do it all that often as I’ve sorted many memories. After this process there were a few other memories that surfaced. I also found that in this particular memory there was an entity that latched onto me, and fed energy into the loop of shame and self-criticism.
A lot of the initial experiences I had with inner child work were processes that were very intense, abusive, traumatic, with yelling, etc. This memory was strange because it was very distorted. In a way it was terribly traumatic and neglectful, yet I in the past learned to interpret it as a good thing. At the time, my teacher first neglected me, then later told me how important it was that I did what I did. She told me that very few of the other students would have done that, and that I should be very proud of myself for it. So in a way I was rewarded for this “pull up your bootstraps” kind of attitude, and then told that my honesty made me better than others.
This has been part of my biggest blockage. In the background, I’ve believed that I was somehow “morally superior” to others because my teacher and possibly many other adult figures fed me that belief and reinforced it. It was useful for me to believe this after being bullied and made wrong a lot as a child. I finally had something to hold onto, it was own sense of self as an honest person. However this was not a healthy belief. It created hierarchy and vertical thinking. I would position myself above others because I knew what was right and wrong and I would do good.
Of course in adulthood I started to see through this but I had to go back to the core of its inception to totally undo it. At points when I was challenged or I felt I didn’t know what the most ethical decision to make was, I would go into severe self-shame. Many dilemmas between ideas of right and wrong would have me regress to that little boy, crying on the cold desk and being offered toys to fix me.
What I learned from this experience is that sometimes memories we define as “good” experiences that teach us better ways to behave are actually the most traumatizing. Of course we have to go through the most intense ones to get to those deeper layers. Though don’t think you’ve finished the inner child work, just because you reprocessed those super traumatic moments. We can always dig deeper!